Welcome to the “We Have No Water!” Club — Tips to California from One of the World’s Driest Countries
Hi, California. Welcome to the “SHIT, WE HAVE NO WATER!” Club. It’s not a very happy club, but you must do what you can.
I’m responsible for introducing new members to club rules.
I know what you’re thinking. I too wish that our club rules are all about guest cards and lower charges for family members under the age of 21, and not about water days and how to brush your teeth. It sucks, ask me. Jordan’s been in the club for decades. We’re almost the leader, with one of the lowest levels of water-resource availability, per capita, in the world. We’re sort of like stars of the scene.
I’ve been reading the news and how you’re really sad about all your backyard pools. It’s cute. Ha. Backyard pools. You’re a lucky bitch, California, that you have that concern at all. When I was a kid, the closest thing we had to a backyard pool was a big bucket that my mom used to place in the bathtub when we wanted to take a shower. Oh, you’re not sure what I’m talking about? Yeah, I suppose people with backyard-pool-problems wouldn’t relate. Okay, so water was so scarce at some points in my childhood that my mother had to go nuclear. She would fill a little bucket with clean water, and she would pour it over our heads with a plastic cup, to conserve water. Backyard pools! Ha.
Shit, I’m talking too much, right? Sorry, sorry. I’m just really eager to get you on the right foot. Implications could be disastrous, otherwise.
Here’s a printed copy of the club rules, please keep it. I’ll read them out for you, too, just in case you’re the kind of person who’ll shove these rules in the nearest trashcan the minute I turn my back. Let me know if you have any questions.
1. Club members must observe stringent water conservation measures at all times when practicing personal, daily sanitation. (I know that’s a funny-sounding rule. It’s like the person who wrote this shit is a dainty little girl who doesn’t want to say “BATHROOM!” I’ll tell you what it actually means though, so don’t you worry! One, when you brush your teeth, turn off the damn water between wetting your toothbrush and rinsing your mouth. Two, when scrubbing your body or washing your hair in the shower, turn the water off. Three, when you’re washing your hands, turn the water off when getting soap to lather. You get the idea, I’m sure.)
2. Install appropriate aerator faucets across all sinks in your home or office. (You can get those from any hardware supply store. They just add bubbles to the water coming out of the faucet, and they’re cheap and fantastic.)
3. You have two weeks to apply the club’s lawn and plants guidelines, attached separately. (This one sounds tough at first, but don’t panic, you’ll be fine. Ahh.. what do you mean what about your automatic sprinklers? I’ve never seen automatic sprinklers in my life. Seriously, stop being so dramatic. Get a good, solid water hose with a built-in sprinkler, and use it once a week. Yes, I know your grass won’t survive watering only once a week. Let it die and plant something that doesn’t need as much water. Stop being a sissy, California! At least we’re only talking about your stupid lawn. Did you know that in Jordan, we get water supplied to our homes only ONCE a week? There’s a water day for each area from the government. My family’s water day is on Monday. Water days are a big thing in our culture — it’s when we water the garden, wash our clothes, and clean the house. Yes, I’m dead serious. So shut up and stop being dramatic.)
4. Club members may extend invitations to guests. (I gotta warn you here California, this rule is pretty tricky. For the most part, you can only extend invitations to two kinds of guests: those who will spend a shitload of money on tourism, or those who are the water-conservation academic sort coming in from other countries, or states, I guess, in your case. Ah, yeah, I guess you wouldn’t be familiar with those kids. Don’t worry it’s not too bad, some of them are really great people actually. They will poke stuff into you, and and they may be really arrogant about their degrees and knowledge, but in general, they’re very nice, especially the Germans.).
5. Members with greywater installations in their homes get extra benefits.
6. Baths are strictly prohibited, and showers should not take more than 10 minutes per day. (Come on, that’s not too bad. Did you ever try filling a bathtub? It takes forever. Such a waste of water.)
7. Replace household appliances that waste water, especially toilets, with more water-efficient ones. (Want a trick from an old-timer? Put a water bottle inside your toilet tank, and you’ll automatically get a free WaterSense).
8. Reuse your towels.
Okay, I’m getting tired of reading this list. I think the rest of the stuff aren’t as important, and you get the idea. One thing to keep in mind: always worry about the water.
Grrr… STOP COMPLAINING! At least the drought in your case appears to just be a temporary stunt.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s forever.