Guess what. It’s the Oscars! YAY!
My confessions, as in previous years:
1) I didn’t watch a single movie from the 2011 Oscar-nominated bunch, and for the most part, I hadn’t heard of 95% of them either.
2) I have never ever watched the Oscars in my life, yesterday’s show included.
3) I never check out the winners because frankly, I couldn’t care less.
4) I don’t give three shits about fashion.
5) I spend all year waiting for the Oscars, just because I love looking at what they wear (Previous bashing and loving: Oscars Outfit Frenzy 2007, Oscars Outfits Frenzy 2008, Oscars Outfit Frenzy 2009, Oscars Outfit Frenzy 2010)
Makes the dress bashing all the more objective, doesn’t it? Don’t forget to share your own opinions, which dress would you put in what category? Give me one for each of the groups!
And now, for the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Hollywood’s plastic wonder people. Presenting:
The Went-to-the-Oscars-Drunk Group:
Helena: Not only did Helena Bonham Carter go to the Oscars drunk, she was also high. Probably on fairy dust. Or pirate barf. Or something odd like that. Having said that, I think she looks absolutely AWESOME.
The flag is not the only part, look, she even has a FAN. A REAL ONE.
Gayle: Okay, let’s get one thing clear. Unless it’s a perfectly picked, beautiful, bluish-green color, STAY AWAY FROM GREEN EVENING DRESSES. Unless you’re bridesmaid from hell. Or worse, the green monster. It definitely should not be shiny. Or have weird drape-y action going on. I really can’t get over the color of this one.
Hailee: This young lady is called Hailee Steinfeld, and she’s not on this list because her dress is ugly. She’s on this list because she’s FOURTEEN. One, fricking, four. She shouldn’t be looking like that. She should be wearing pink shorts and yellow t-shirts and running in around in flip flops as she plays with another 14 year old kid.
What makes it all worse? She looks like this in the movie she was nominated for:
What makes it double worse?
This: Justin Bieber thinks he’s too old for her. “She’s young,” Bieber said. “She’s like 14.” Awww.
Nicole: What could possibly be more heart breaking than the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world looking this ugly? And when is Nicole Kidman gonna find herself a tall guy?
Penelope: This is really sad because Penelope Cruz is always on the best dressed list. You, Penelope, Alaa Saad called and he wants you to join the cast of the Burtuqala showgirl crew.
Wife of Wolverine: CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT WOLVERINE IS MARRIED TO THIS WOMAN? What the freakin’ hell happened to the world? I can’t figure out why she’s wearing something straight out of Cruella de Vil’s closet. Worse, LOOK AT HER SHOES.
Oh, the horror.
Wife of hot guy: Another wife I’m totally horrified with. It’s not just because she’s dressed for a freak show, it’s also because this dress is really freaking weird. I feel like it should be used in some sort of science experiment using copper.
And wait. It has tassels.
Celine: Celine Dion proves that she thinks she belongs in a tomb. It’s quite sad really, given that she’s really young and all. Why has she been 50 for the past 30 years?
Jessica: Ugly now has a color. It’s a mix of silver, white, gold, and bronze. And it’s hole-y.
The Fire-Your-Stylist Group:
Anne: Poor Anne Hathaway. She usually looks so pretty. I don’t know how they got her to wear a red lobster suit to the Oscars, but I’d sue if I were her.
Michelle:Notice the sci-fi theme in this years outfitting? I’m not sure if Michelle was going for the large-headed alien look, but well, she was very successful with that. And she doesn’t look too bad either. Definitely needs to fire the stylist though.
Some lady:Is it just me, or is this dress actually a more conservative version of a swimsuit?
Another lady: Monotony at its most-heartbreakingly brutal. Brown monotony too. Yawn.
Halle: How can someone who looks like that look like she was just squished by a massive giant? And what’s with the pieces of clinging fabric at the bottom of the dress? Ouch.
Amy: She looks so old. So, so, so old. And so frumpy.
Scarlet: I really hate it when beautiful, stylish women make such terrible outfit decisions. And the hair. Seriously?
Oprah: Oprah, Oprah, Oprah. We all know that you don’t have the body of young model, but why stuff yourself in a dress WAY TOO SMALL? It makes you look like Ursula (I’m telling you it’s a sci-fi theme).
Gorgeous Ladies Group:
Cate: This is by far my favorite Oscar look this year. Cate Blanchett looks STUNNING. Not only is her dress very creative, she also looks as ethereally beautiful as she did in The Lord of the Rings.
Mandy: I can’t believe I have this dress in this group, but after much thinking, I decided that she looks really pretty. Her palish skintone and the palish dress and the sequins sewed onto chiffon and the trailing thing and everything make it definitely a do.
Mila: I like this a lot. Kinda. The color is interesting, and the design is also interesting. Overall, she looks good.
Natalie: Can you believe she’s pregnant and she looks this good? Wow. The color is my favorite part about this dress. How classy and elegant!
Bieber’s Girl: This isn’t at the Oscars (it’s at an Oscars after party), but man, does this kid look gorgeous or what? The red dress is absolutely perfect in every single way. The shade, the style, the girl herself. Stunning.
(On a side note, it’s Bieber’s 17th birthday today. When is this kid gonna start looking like a man? And what will happen when he does?)
Quick note: Since I look forward to this post ALL YEAR ROUND, I am so happy that several people have tweeted, emailed, and Facebooked reminding me to wear my Vogue hat. Thanks for reminder! :)