Like I’ve said after last year’s Oscar’s, as well as after those of the years before, the only thing I find remotely amusing in the ceremony is the drapes that they call dresses. Some of them are just so fricking funny that I have a field-trip googling red-carpet attire the day after. Remember last year’s mermaid?

Fantastically enough for me, there are more gut-wrenchingly funny outfits this year than ever. 

And now, for the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Hollywood’s plastic wonder people. Presenting:

The Went-to-the-Oscars-

Drunk Group:

Miley Cirus (whoever she is) with the ugliest dress I have EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. Dude, I cannot think of a single good thing to say about this dress. The black and silver glitter clashes horribly with the nude-colored fabric. The tenticles grazing the red carpet look like they’re about to eat someone. The belt looks like something you’d find in downtown Egypt. Dude, where the hell did she find that?

Meen inta? Mfakerli 7alak Gus? Only Gus can pull off that look.

Wow. Who would have thought that Heidi Klum could look this bad? The material of the dress is an absolute disaster. It reminds me of my Barbie’s outfits when I was a kid, they used to shine with different colors from different angles. When I was 6, I thought that was sooooo cool. I don’t think it is anymore. Especially when it looks like it is the lining of the dress, and the real dress is still supposed to come.

Hahahahaha.

Hahahahahahahaha. You know the little wedding dresses with all the ruffles that little Arab girls who come to weddings wear? Well, this looks just like that.

That’s just ugly. Multi-GRADIENTs in one dress? Black and royal blue? Beads? Not cool.

Nicole Kindman finally figures out that she looks more like a mummy than a human being. White feathery stuff to accentuate her discovery. Thumbs up.

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The Fire-Your-Stylist Group:

I actually really like the color of the dress. But that’s really about it. It looks like she wasn’t sure whether too dress classy or go all-out, and so she bought a dress that’s half this way and half that.
It’s pretty funny cause I’m imagining if the entire dress looked like the right side of it, it might not be too bad.

This probably should belong in the category above. She did, after all, steal my grandmother’s drapes to make it. But I think it’s pretty bold, which is why I’m not suggesting that Beyonce was drunk hen she chose the dress.

“Oh, God, wait. The dress is kind of boring, and it might as well be an abaya, I know I’m old and my flesh isn’t as sexy anymore, but what do you think of flipping the collar  of the dress inside out? Just a little? Oh, wow, now I look good baby, don’t I?”

Jessica Biel, which Nox claims in the hottest woman on earth, proves that she can be just as frumpy as the rest of us.

Yawn. We all already know that Sarah should have fired her stylist 10 years ago.

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The Wow-You-Look-Good-

Tonight Group:

The dress is gorgeous. And Anne Hathaway does look gorgeous. But I think she’s dying to get married, cause the dress is really more of a wedding dress than a red-carpet dress. Plus, it’s kind of like last year’s fashion. But she still looks pretty good. Which is why she’s staying in this list.

Although that dress is playing it too safe, gotta admit that Angelina looks fantastic.

This is my favorite Oscar dress this year. Especially since it’s a prettier version of Kidman’s Chanel No5 dress. It’s so feminine and all the pieces fall just in the right place.

Another beautiful white dress, worn by beautiful actress, who also happens to think she’s attending her own wedding.

Yes, yes, I know this dress is severely hideous, but hey, it’s Whoopi Goldberg. It’s WHOOPI GOLDBERG, and her dress matches her name and her character. And that’s just cool.

I actually really like this dress. It’s simple and classy, and it fits Evan Rachel Wood so perfectly.

It took me a while to decide whether I like this dress or not. In the end, I decided that although it’s not a particularly nice dress, it really does make her look good. And different from everyone else.